Yesteryears Gone By

My how time passes so quickly. I haven't written in months other than putting pen to actual paper in my journal. So many changes in my life these days!



Still pondering upon life's little mysteries. Trying to continue to follow the yellow brick road that will eventually lead to happy days and the sorrows of tomorrow behind me drowning in tears that were left with them. There are still days I want to scream! I want to crawl in bed and never recede from the comfort of my pillows and blanket. My mom always said life was hard...what an understatement! Life is crucial, demanding, straining, aggravating, and down right murderous yet blissful, happy, ironic, tasteful, and sweet...all those tied into one. Amazing how life works huh?



My two blessings are just as the same. I love them to pieces and have no clue what I would do without either. They are always the reason for the smile on my face when my day has went in the complete opposite of blissful and sweet. They are truly what I live for. I only hope that I am one day blessed with another. To witness the automatic love of a newborn, the smell, the softness and yes, the sleepless nights! How could anyone want to miss any part of their childrens lives?






Have I found true love once again...no. True love takes time...you must grow into it. It took years of friendship and over a year in a relationship to fall in love with my true love. Real love means trusting that person, never doubting the love you have for one another, never go astray in any way shape or form, it means compromise...a lot of it, it means going the extra mile, being there when times are the hardest, holding their hand...holding them in your arms when they need it the most. True love is understanding....its all about understanding. Putting your own selfishness' aside to make one another happy...complete. I still to this day try to give my true love all of the above. At times they are receptive and return it and not so much at others. Again, compromise....even when times are hard. She will forever be my best friend, the other parent to my children, the one I go to when I need a shoulder...and I know I will always be hers. It's our unspoken truth. We know it. We don't have to say or ask...we just know. I've had many who are jealous of this, envious, they can't understand. They won't understand. Only few understand her and I and the forever bond we will carry. We both deny we carry this bond to others but when we are alone...when all else has failed us...we run and leap to the other..."please hold me" we say..."I don't want to talk about it just be here with me!" And we are! Trying to break this bond would be selfish, envious, and when all is said and done...I know it wont be!




Through it all I have met and made some best friends...and enemies. I have found myself most importantly. I live for myself and my two blessings. I don't need someone new giving me false impressions of love, broken promises, nor a good time for one night. I want none of this from no one! When I lost it all I lost hope in all. I no longer saw what I witnessed growing up. Elderly by one anothers side for 50+ years, marriages working, kids living with both parents, happy healthy families that get through their problems. Those things no longer exist in my world. Those are now memories of yesteryears. That blows one of my favorite quote straight out of the water which is....



"A southern man always goes home to his family."

from Prince of Tides. Love the quote!

 

Honest Eyes

I lie there...scared and unknowing of what will happen next. I feel you breathing on my neck. I hear words in my ear but, I'm not sure what you are saying. I feel your hands. They are rough from a hard day's work. They are tracing every inch of my body. It feels good. I feel your body shifting on top of mine. My eyes are closed...my mind is a cluster. I trust you...I want to trust you! I feel your lips touch mine. They are chapped....rough. I open my eyes. You are looking at me. Your eyes are gorgeous...blue...and none the less honest. Make me trust you. Help me to let go. To lose myself in you. I feel your hand slide down my leg then back up. I feel you reaching for the button to my pants. You are going so slow but, my mind and heart are racing. You slowly unbutton them. Your eyes still fixed to mine. I take in your smell, your touch, your love. I feel you slide inside my pants. I can feel how hot I am compared to your hand. I feel you touching me. I feel your other hand reaching behind me. Unsnapping my bra. Your one free hand raising my shirt. Still your eyes are fixed to mine. They are honest. I see you slowly move your mouth to my nipple. Still you are looking directly at me...I see your eyes. I hear you whisper, "trust me baby." I want to...I do...I want to. I think to myself, "Please God let me trust her." You slowly slide my pants off...next my panties. They are soaked from your touch. You look at me the entire time. Your eyes are honest. I feel your body moving down. What are you doing? Where are you going? I need you here. Until I feel your soft tongue against my hot, wet, flesh. Still your eyes are on me. They haven't left mine. You start slow. I feel your lips kiss me...your tongue slowly sliding up and down. You make me feel amazing. I close my eyes. I put my hand against the back of your head, the other touches your hand that is wrapped around my thigh. I want to show you how good you are making me feel. I squirm and press against your head harder, I squeeze your hand. You give me a huge release but, now what? I feel you slowly climb back up my body. I feel your hands. You are looking at me. Your eyes are honest. I watch as your hand slowly slides into your boxers. What is she doing? Terrified! She is going where not many have and I am scared. I see you slowly pull out what I had known was coming. Still you are looking directly at me. I feel it against me. Rubbing up and down. Getting nice and wet for what I hope will be an intoxicating entry. I feel you push inside of me. Every inch of you. It feels amazing. I feel your hands planted around the top of my thigh. You are slow. You are looking right into my eyes. Your eyes are honest. I trust you! I know you love me and I trust you! Make me feel better. I trust you...please make me feel better. 

Afterward I lay there on your chest. I can smell the smoke of a burning cigarette. I can feel your chest rising. I can hear your heart beat. I look at you. You are looking at me. Your honest eyes never left mine.

Goodbye Lover...

Today, just now I tucked you in and kissed your forehead for the last time. For you no longer want that from me. My arms are no longer your comfort, my heart no longer your shelter. My eyes are no longer a crystal ball....you no longer see your future, your forever in them. I can ask myself why...or I can accept and move on. I will forever have a reserve in my heart for you. May you always be welcome in my arms. May you always know that I love you...even when the universe comes crashing down and you are alone...know that you have me. You have my arms, my heart, my soul to comfort you. I will always be here. I know you more than I did....maybe I knew you and just didn't take them time to show you. Maybe I was scared to love so strong. I didn't intend on pushing you away...that is the one thing I wanted to avoid. Instead, I let my selfishness stand in the way and I lost you. Will I be okay? I don't know. But I set your free. I set you free of having to love me, care for me, be there when you are needed. I release you into the great unknown and wish you nothing but love and happiness. But I will always be here...in the shadows of this dark, unruly world you have left me in. I stand alone hoping, praying, that one day you will extend an arm and pull me out. That you will grab me...breathe life back into my limb, cold, lonely capsule that holds nothing but regret, unwanted feelings, and remorse of yesterdays. For I know that you will see that my love, my arms, my heart, my eyes are your comfort, your shelter, your crystal ball. Your future. Until then I leave you lying there. Tucked under the covers...safe, warm, unknowing of what tomorrow holds. Until then I will wait in the shadows of my dark, unruly world. Goodbye Lover...

Words meant to be unread...

What do you say to someone who holds your heart and doesn't even want it? How am I suppose to react to someone saying they want me and care when all I know is rejection and pain? When does the pain end and happiness begin again? So many questions in life and too few answers. I want to scream! I want to shake you! I want answers!! I want to know what I did to deserve this! You were (scratch that) ARE my life. I gave you all of me. Every ounce of sanity my body and mind held within. I gave you every drop of love my heart held. I wasn't the best at showing you but, the truth is...I don't know how to live without you. There have been so many wrong things done and said to and between us. We are like scared kids who are lost. Not knowing which way to turn and scared if we separate from one another neither of us may make it out alive. So much has been talked about but, the truth is we still don't know how each other feels. We do however know each other. We know something is causing us both a need to hold on. To not let go. Not fully. We have touched a place in one another hearts and minds that we feel no one else can find. If they did find that place would we welcome another in with open arms? How do I fall into someone Else's arms when yours is all I want and know? Love is the easiest thing to give to someone. It comes at no cost but, as we both know no guarantees either. Love isn't always equal. You can love someone so much yet, get nothing in return. It can make you crazy. I never meant to hurt you, scare you, or abandon you. You are not yesterday's newspaper. You are me, my life, my kids father, my best friend, my lover, my partner, my confidence, my mind, you Kayce are my soul. That little flame that flickers within and keeps me going. You keep my heart beating. I know that because, when I'm around you my heart pounds. I feel like it is going to beat out of my chest. I can feel blood pumping through my veins, I can breathe. I don't want to hurt you, I'm just scared to lose you. To wonder into the unknown. Where nothing is promised and promises don't mean a thing. I love you. Not for any other reason than my heart says so!